I Own It

Ayooo! Happy almost Friday!

Praise Pennsatucky!

So, today's bliggity blog is about how I've realized that I have a bullshit defense mechanism. You know, like how people have defense mechanisms because they have trust issues or commitment issues or something else. Well, I have bullshit issues. At first, I thought the Lord was just testing me... Over... And over again. Not one of those "agree or disagree" tests, either. No. One of those "x + (Courtney - insanity) = y. What'd the Pope eat for dinner?" type of tests. Well, for quite sometime, I'd sit and try to figure it out all the while this was happening inside:

*Spoiler Alert* His head literally explodes into flames.

That was no fun, so I decided to subconsciously create some type of mechanism to brush off the bullshit. A barrier, if you will. I have drawn up the charts, the pie graphs, all the bells and whistles, and I have developed the aforementioned mechanism. Ready? You ready for it? It's not copyrighted or trademarked, so I formally give you permission to use it. Here it is:

Being a sarcastic little shit is my bullshit barricade.

That's it. I know. It took me a while to calculate and experiment and do whatever else smart people do to test scientific theories, and it's confirmed. Let's turn to a success story to test to validity of my mechanism.

As you all probably know, I'm a bleeding heart, tree hugging liberal residing in the land of "these are my guns, pew pew, 'Merica" cacti. In case you were wondering, hugging cacti is not as fun as it might seem. Whilst attempting to spread my love for peace and social equality across the board, I was left to feel like this curious young pup...

My face is full of pricklies, all because I want gun control and I don't believe in being tough on crime, and I don't think that asshole fucker McFuckerson who killed 9 black people in their place of worship is "mentally ill." I think he's an asshole fucker McFuckerson who terrorized innocent people for no reason. And I don't see how someone named Muhammad is labeled a "domestic terrorist" but the white punk kid isn't.

*Disclaimer: Before I go on, the situation I'm referring to was with friends I've made here in the desert and we're all good now so luh you guys and don't take it personally!*

I learned pretty quickly that my kind is not welcomed with open arms here. It's no secret that Arizona isn't the... Um... Well... McCain and Arpaio. That's all I have to say. So, here I come skipping into town with my love for research, logic, open-mindedness, laughing and making light of things. Then I went into my first political argument... I thought to myself, "No, they won't attack my liberal beliefs and support for peace and social improvement, because this is an adult conversation, goddamnit!" And then, well...

It happened.

At first, I was like:

These muthafuckas...

BUT! Then my bullshit barrier launched up and I went into full sarcastic little shit mode!

I was going to have some fun with this.

Now, I can't recall the exchange verbatim, but it went something like:

"Obama is using this tragedy (the church killings by the white prick) to further his gun control agenda."

Okay. I hear you. So, naturally my response was: "Is that what he's doing? You talked to him?!? Ugh, lucky." I mean, how was I supposed to know that wasn't a legitimate paraphrase of Mr. President's words during their implied exchange?

Sooo, yeah. Safe to say that wasn't received too well; but at that point, I had been insulted to the n-th degree, even by a stranger who knew nothing about me, so I decided to switch gears and have a little fun with it. I must say, I loosened up a lot and got a solid chunk of laughs out of it. Is it my proudest intellectual moment? No, but it was funny.

Well, that is my introduction to my bullshit barricade! I've utilized it numerous times once discovering it. I imagine in the way that guys utilize it once th... Nevermind. Anyway, my sister told me my blogs are too long so I'm keeping this one short (I think? In my opinion it is, at least).

Until next time, Witte out!

(P.S. I wish someone would've told me when got pulled over at 19 years old for going 20 over the speed limit, that everything was Obama's fault. I could've just said "Hey cop, sorry, you know how that Obama guy is. Fuckin' up left and right, so here I am. Pulled over." That would've been nice.)