It's Not You... Actually, Yes. Yes It Is.

Hey there!

Happy Sunday! How was everyone's weekend? Mine was great - thanks for asking. We saw "Trainwreck" yesterday and it was hilarious. I recommend it to everyone! Amy Schumer is a gift to us all with her insightful thoughts and hilarity inducing intellect...

Luh you boo.

 ... Because how else do you land a quality partner than by sweeping your crazy under the rug for a while before it gets released with the ferocity of a kraken? Thank you for this transitional help Amy, but I'll take it from here. The topic on this lovely day is... Brace yourselves... Dating. Yes, that motor boatin' son of bitch - dating. Of the many things I'm grateful for, having survived through the dating scene, relatively unscathed aside from my disdain toward and essentially the complete loss of faith in 97% of the male population, is a big one. I know it was the other person, not me, because, well...

Especially you - diamond earrings and inability to contribute to a conversation not involving sports, your car or how much you work out. You know who you are.

Dating is the worst. It's all fun and games until you have to fake an emergency phone call notifying you that your fish died for the 3rd time this week and you have to go because your date is making your eyeball seem like a more fitting option for that steak knife than your under-seasoned slab of beef. Although, sometimes he's not so bad, just a little bit more bland than a rock, so you stick it out just to be polite... It's not easy, but you do it.

Specifically a triple-decker, untoasted from Sandwich Emporium.

Let's backtrack to before you even get in his car... You were at the bar with your girlfriends, doin' the damn thing and bringin' all the boys to the yard, when Mr. Future Shitty Date and yourself make that exceptionally long eye contact and you know there's about to be interaction. Okay, you got this girl. I know it's 1:30am and you may or may not be 7 sheets to the wind, but you're pretty sure he's cute and hopefully he can properly form words to accompany his perceived, albeit blurry, attractiveness. C'mon universe, throw me a bone - I could use a dream or a genie or a wish.

CAN WE PRETEND THAT AIRPLANES IN THE NIGHT SKY DROPPED THE PERFECT PERSON RIGHT IN FRONT OF MEEEEE!

*Fast Forward*

Update: the beer goggles betrayed me and Mr. Future Shitty Date looks a lot different under the lights of Applebees. I mean, I'm not saying looks are everything, but if I'm going to have to look at you everyday, I would prefer, if possible, to enjoy the sight that my eyes are being forcibly fixed on. Okay, he's not a 10 but he's a solid 6, so let's give his personality a chance to knock him up a few points. Fingers crossed for an 8! So far, I've got his workout plan down, his meal plan ingredients memorized, the names of all his "bros" all ready to forget to second this date is over, and the name of his truck.

......

... The steak knife... It's going in. It's going directly into my right eye. That's my only escape - the emergency room. "Welp, gotta go, I think my phone is about to ring and I have a feeling it's going to be an emergency. I look forward to never seeing you again!"

Let's not even get into meeting him online and facing the real possibility or being catfished, or worse...

Asking for a friend...

Ugh, first dates are just... Too much. Moving on. Along with being gut wrenching at times, dating is so goddamn stressful! Just getting ready is like the hardest thing ever...

Nothing... Only a one closet full of clothes and I got NOTHING.

Once you finally pick out the perfect outfit, you've got to take care of the face situation so that they don't know what you truly look like until at least a few months in, if it gets that far.

Goal:

Reality:

It's just so unfair because all boys do is throw on some clothes that they deem as stylish - which is a whole other conversation - and maybe even rub some gel through their hair. And then, even after all of that effort, if you've accomplished an acceptable level of presentation for your hopeful future hubby, you have to pretend like walking in heels isn't one of the most difficult tasks on the face of this earth.

You're trying to be sexy, but the world and gender roles don't allow it.

And lastly, after all of that, you have to hope you don't want to shove your steak knife into your eyeball at some point in the date because then, not only was all of that preparation useless, but also, your presumably liked outfit will get blood on it and everyone loses.

I mean, I guess it's not all bad. It is fun to get that fuzzy, butterfly feeling when the date actually does go well. You look fly, you haven't fallen, he's not a total douche, he looks relatively similar to the way he did at 1:30am through beer goggles, and you've had a few glasses of wine to loosen up because he is quite attractive and you've been on a dry spell for a while. While the aforementioned list of date characteristics are wildly unlikely, they happen... And that's when a lovely relationship develops and you get to release your crazy after a few months to really test how much he likes you.

Luckily, I'm no longer subjected to this miserable social process, being off the market and all. I'm not bragging, just saying...

Haha, I'm just kidding... Kind of...

I was lucky to land an incredible individual who likes to look at me and hang out with me all day. I've pulled the crazy out from under the rug plenty of times and shockingly, they're still around, touching my butt and stuff. It's fun. I wish the best of luck to all of you daters out there - may the wait be short and the failures be gentle. As for you men, work on your shit. We females go through a lot to see your ass, both literally and figuratively, and you should be grateful for that by at least attempting to be a quality date. We don't care about how much you work out or what you and your bros did in college or what useless things you've done to your car. We just don't. And to my ladies, keep doing you, beautiful!

Your Prince Charming, Johnny Depp, Ryan Gosling - what ever is your cup of tea - is just around the corner! You're pretty.

Well, those are my thoughts on dating. Obviously, I was really fun to date and I know I was the best date ever, but this is what would be happening inside my mind. (To those I've been on a date with reading this, you were great. This applies to the other 3 percent of the male population; except diamonds earrings, you weren't great. You sucked.) Gay, straight, old, young, white, purple... I think we can all agree that dating sucks, for everyone. Anyways, happy Sunday to all and to all a bottoms up! Until next time, Witte out.