She Called The Shit "Poop"

Howdy!

Happy Sunday everyone! It's a calm one over here... Specifically, by "calm" I mean I'm being held hostage by an overactive puppy bladder/asshole. As most of you know, me and mine got a puppy this week - on Wednesday.

Photogenic little thing, eh?

Contrary to our parents' advice, we did it anyway. We knew it was a big commitment that would require a lot of time and effort, blah blee blah, yeah yeah. I mean, she's cute and all, but Jesus H. Christ...

I don't understand where it's all coming from! WHERE ARE YOU STORING ALL OF THIS?!?

It's amazing how your senses become heightened after you become responsible for a thing that actually needs you to take care of it (unlike the cat because he's independent and makes his own cheese and all that jazz. Way to go kid.)... Like we'll just be sitting there talking or something, then our nose and ears perk up. Oh god... No, no, no... I smell it...

It happened. It's done. It's there.

The Lord haventh tested me until now. I knew not what a true test of keeping your shit together in the midst of building anger was... Until I got a puppy. I have to admit though, she has hit her mark - the potty pads - twice. I'll give credit where credit is due, and for an 8 monther who previously had no inside potty training, that's not too shabby.

On another note, many have inquired about how our beloved Bentley - a self-proclaimed, unquestionable asshole of a feline - responded. Well, we'll be honest, we were ready for shit to hit the fannn... Oh man. We slowly introduced them, ready for claws to come out, blood to be shed, dignity to be lost, and lives to be put in danger (ours, not theirs). We took a deep breath and just went for it. We're basically just like fuck it, if he kills us in our sleep then that was our fate. Alright cat, be free. Here we go...

It's finna get 50 shades of real up in this bitch.

Okay... Bentley is approaching the mysterious subject slowly, cautiously, yet curiously. He throw a paw up like come at me bro, I dare you; but doesn't swing. Just making sure the new one knows who's boss. He's getting closer, still weary, when the dog starts growling. Our self-proclaimed, unquestionable asshole of a cat is getting growled at by a little 8 month old collie. Ayee, this collie has balls - or, well, ovaries... For now, until her snip snip happens (shh, don't tell her). However, this growl has green lighted Bent's paw into forward motion, slapping the shit out of the dog, like...

You better get to know your place, and quick.

One would think that this little itty (she's actually not that small) puppy would be like wow bro, my bad! But no. Oh no, she growls again (rest assured that we reprimanded her after these growls so that she knows that they won't be tolerated because Bentley was here first). She's basically like:

It's a bold strategy, Cotton. Let's see if it pays off for her.

At this point, Emily and I are just sitting back like, holy...

*Feel our arms, look around* Okay, everyone's still alive. This is going rather well... For now.

After a few more moments of introduction, they're off to the races. The new kid on the block is hot on Bent's trail while Bent runs more in the next 10 minutes then he has in his entire life. At this point, we've let go and let Jesus take the wheel. The kids come into the living room, and to the utmost surprise and holy shit-ness, Bentley is on his back letting Riley play with him. They haven't gotten into a single fight, and they follow each other everywhere. I imagine something like this took place in animal language:

That's right kids, you go and get along!

Meanwhile, the wife and I are proud of ourselves and our cat and are happy campers now that there's no bloodshed. Great job, team!

Atta boy!

Now, to focus on potty training. I've never been so happy to see shit and piss on a concentrated area. I hope, a wish of all wishes, that I'll be able to experience that happiness on a more consistent basis in the near future. Until then, we sit and wait...

Ready to git her done. Bring it.

So, yeah... That's been our experience ~5 days into parenting. It's been stressful and smelly, but she's a good puppy so it's worth it. Safe to say we will not be doing this again any time soon. And don't even get me started on having real kids. HA! Well, I gotta go monitor the shit machine. I hope everyone has a rad rest of your day! Until next time, Witte out!