We All Know a Douche Named...

Howdy my friends!

Happy (hopefully) Monday! So, my Monday's focus was on yoga. I decided that I'd do yoga in my living room with the help of a stranger on YouTube, with the intent on like namaste and centering and what not. It was going pretty well... Until my asshole cat decided to attack my poor foot during downward dog. I'll admit, I threw the camera bag his way, spooked him a bit and won that fucking fight... Er, I mean, calmed him down so that I could continue. Result: I don't feel all that different but I'll keep it going because I heard it's good for you.

I'm in the green.

Anywho, today, I've decided to take my shot at social media "personalities," if you can call them that. More so, the different kind of people you experience on social media. Before I start, I admit that I'm not the ideal social media friend... I have my moments when I show emotion, I share things about my life that I deem shareable, and I've posted a selfie or two. I'm not perfect and I don't claim to be; but some people need a little teachin'. Some coachin'. A wee bit of shut the hell up for the love of Jesus'n.

I'd like to start with what seems to be a relatively new trend. That person who thinks people honestly care about how much they work out or how long it takes them to meal prep on Sundays. The fitness friend. That's what I've dubbed them as. I maintain the "friend" in the title because I still like them as people, but as social media friends they're annoying as hell. I mean, go you, I'm sure we're all feeling incredibly inspired by you...

I sprint at the opportunity to mirror you.

And I know that I don't ever plan on giving up this:

Although, no true San Diegan would through a burrito out of their window.

For this:

It's so healthy and weird.

While I commend you for your mega fit #getswoll #fitlife way of living, I personally don't give a shit. Now, this does not apply to people who are making a huge change and exercising to get out of the way of an early death, or those who've suffered an injury and can finally move again. I like seeing that because they're beating the odds and other inspirational things. Those who are already boasting a BMI of 2%... Leave that to yourself. All your doing by posting any and every time you lift weights or cook more asparagus is making yourself look silly. Come to me when you enjoy a unhealthy carb that way we can relate; until then, save your relentless fitness and celery posts for a fitness directed forum. I'm going to Fiesta Burrito.

Next on my list is the selfie queen. Ooh boy. Yep, we all know that one... Or multiple. Bless your heart, if that's the case.

Get that angle girl.

Now, I've had my share of selfies; but hell, at least I'm honest about it. The one that gets me the most are when the caption is like "I'm so ugly #omg" or "#scrubbingit"... But no. It's quite apparent that you've put relatively mediocre effort into your current physical appearance. If you want compliments, you own it! That's why, while they get a bit excessive at times, the selfie queen I can stomach the most is the one who's real about it. The one who's caption says...

Ayee! Do you boo! You get those likes 'cause you look fly!

Just own it! When I say that I'm "#scrubbingit," I look a hot mess, I could use some help and I might need Jesus; and I'm aware of that. But you're beautiful, regardless, just embrace every aspect of yourself... Whether it's legitimately scrubbing it and going with that, or straight feelin' yourself and boosting your ego. All are welcome! Just don't spend 3 hours on your face make-up and hair, throw on a hoodie, then tell me you're ugly or are scrubbing it. No, you're not. So stop.

Sincerely, your fellow female comrade. We bitches have to stick together because, well:

Amen!

Lastly, my personal favorite, the political, social, everything'al expert. Grab your popcorn kids, you're about to be informed by Facebook Congress and the social media police. We all have those social media friends who have astoundingly done a term in Congress between today and last week, all the while experiencing the every day lives of multiple cultures in order to develop an informed opinion on one, aside from their own. I'm not even mad... It's amazing! I wish I could get that much done in a single week. And then, the best, is totally fucking around with them. It's truthfully one of my top 10 favorite things to do now that I live in the land of Congressional citizens. I don't always succeed in pissing them off, but hey? What can you do?

I'm trying, okay!?

The reason these social media friends are my favorite is, being the sarcastic asshole that I am, I begin my responses seriously like "Oh, yes yes... Benghazi and social conformity. Ah, indeed." But then... Like the Hulk... I can't help it... It's happening... I can't hold on any longer!

THIS IS FACEBOOK - NOT THE NEW YORK TIMES! SHUT YO SHIT DOWN!

I'm literally laughing as I type this because it's that entertaining. I love it. You can't make up the shit you see on Facebook, Twitter, anything else open to anyone with Internet access, etc. Just, stop. I know that social media is the new platform for you to present your newly - newly - acquired legal and political credentials; but just keep them to yourselves.

...

Okay, okay... One more! We all know this one. All of us! Once again, I don't point fingers if my own hands aren't clean, so I'll admit that I've fallen weak to the urge of sharing personal things with 500+ people, of only which maybe 10 actually care. I've done it; but some people just need to lock it the fuck up. I get sad being your friend because I'm an empathetic person and I feel what you feel and I'm feeling sad... Because your daddy's credit card declined. Haha, just kidding (kind of... Not really.) But, honestly, people don't want to know that you're "running from it all" and "tired of people betraying you" and "still holding in those tears that you've held onto for so long." Okay. I'm sorry that you're bummed out but for the love of Christ Almighty...

STAT... As in right away... As in yesterday. Stop.

Like, what do I say to that? I won't say I'm sorry because for all I know you've caused your own shit; but I don't know because you've left us Facebook friends with an ambiguous message implying that you're having troubles, yet haven't expanded on what they are. And then, in the comments - those goddamn comments - you say "I'll message you" when someone inquires about your troubles.

I... I just don't. Can't. My words cannot form at this time.

Get a journal, text a friend, Facebook message someone, go see a priest, maybe even a therapist, do yoga (give it some time to work)... I don't know. Do something that doesn't involve filling your friends' timeline with depression involving relatively unimportant things (i.e. that friend who sucks anyways so who cares that they're not your friend anymore). Hell, even shoot me a message. I've been told I'm a good ear... Unless you're being dumb because then I'll just say BYD (Bitch You Dumb) - with love.

Honestly though. There are too many things to be amped about to not only waste your entire day on social media, but to spend your time posting sad things to your friends on social media. Get outside. Take in the air. Get a fucking drink. Whatever you do,

Carol is not included, but you get the point.

Whew. I'm exhausted. I could keep going, but who's got time for that? Just, my dear friends, we go on social media to enjoy ourselves and share our lives with our "friends." Try to make it enjoyable for everyone, as that's the point.

You work out? Cool. You don't eat carbs? You're strong. You like to post selfies? Caption that shit accurately, fool. You're bummed? Okay, we all get that way, but save it for your close people. I'm not too down to see that when I'm trying to go through all my Candy Crush invitation rejections (which, stop with that shit, too).

Okay. I'm going to stop here. I hope you guys had an awesome Monday and I hope you take a few of these words to heart... We all want to keep our friends. Being unfollowed is a bummer. So, you're welcome. Until next time, Witte out!